Tips for First Timers

NEWBIES’ NERVES

Every couple has newbies’ nerves the first time they go to a swingers’ party. We all know what it’s like to stand outside that door with your hearts racing and think “Oh my God, what are we doing here?” This happens even if you have been looking forward to it for weeks and talking about it for months or even years. At Fever parties, new couples have admitted to pacing the pavement for 20 minutes before they knocked the door.

There is nothing but safety and a welcome inside, mixed with a little opportunity if you feel in the mood later on. The worst thing that can happen is that you spend a few hours chatting over some drinks before slipping away. You don’t even have to watch others have sex, let alone take a stitch off yourself, unless you feel you can handle it and choose to go into the room where it’s happening. You won’t have come this far without having thought about it long and hard, so go through with it and find out what you’re missing.

COME CLEAN

At your first-ever event, be sure to tell people you speak to that you are first-timers. Everyone remembers their first time and feels protective towards newcomers and they will make allowances for any awkwardness you show through inexperience. This advice does not apply if you have stumbled across some ghastly hicksville scene, where admitting to being ‘virgins’ will make you the target for advances from the worst types.

MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Take an intelligent view of what to expect at your first party. In particular, take careful note of exactly what sort of party it is.

Does the advertising specify that it is couples only? If not, there will certainly be extra men there. Is it advertised as a “mixed” party? This doesn’t mean both sexes, it means couples and singles – in practice, single men. There are huge numbers (millions) of men who want to go to swinging parties without having to take a female partner and they are prepared to pay well over the odds. Many party promoters give in to the temptation to meet this demand.

Actually, having extra men is a popular niche of the swinging market as the number of so-called ‘greedy-girls’ nights (gang-bang parties) on the scene testify. And even at these men do not behave inappropriately towards women. Women are always in charge at swinging events – they can turn things on and off like a tap with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. But if you don’t want to party in an environment with spare men around, you have to be vigilant and read between the lines. If it does not specify “couples only” or “no single men”, the laws of economics mean that numbers of single men are sure to find their way in.

Pay attention to where the party is being held. If it is in a house, there will probably be fewer people but drinks are usually free and there are likely to be beds upstairs. If it is in commercial premises, such as a nightclub or bar, they can hold more people; they are usually more conveniently located; there is likely to be a paybar but there are not likely to be beds. Playrooms can consist of just tables and chairs or even less. But if that does not appeal to you, it can be worth going just to meet couples you can arrange to see again by yourselves in a more congenial environment.

This brings us to the people you are likely to meet. Very few events indeed specify age limits and if you are not going to one of these, you can expect that there will be some grandparents present. But it is also unusual for a party not to have a few young and really attractive couples who are worth going just to meet. Just brace yourselves for the age mix to avoid disappointment.

Finally, there is tone. Read this advertisment for a new swinging club in London advertised on the web in 2001.

CLUB ASSHOLE IS A GAY FUCK CLUB IN LONDON WE ARE NOW CHANGING TO A MIXED SEX CLUB, SO ALL SWINGING SINGLES AND COUPLES, GAY BI OR STRAIGHT CAN NOW COME TO THE MOST UNIQUE SWINGING CLUB IN THE UK. WE ARE OPEN SATURDAY NIGHTS FROM 8PM TILL 4AM. ADMISSION IS ONLY £5 PER PERSON. WE ARE LOCATED AT [deleted] LONDON N1 ( KING X TUBE/BR ) SO JUST TURN UP ON THE NIGHT OR E-MAIL ME STEVE [deleted]@HOTMAIL.COM. CLUB DETAILSGROUND FLOOR CLOAKROOM, SMALL BAR ( SOFT DRINKS .. BRING YOUR OWN ALCOHOL ), TABLES, CHAIRS AND PORN SCREEN.BASEMENT3 BIG INTERCONNECTING ROOMS, SMALL DUNGEON, CAGE, CROSS, SPANKERS BENCH, FUCK BOXES AND TOILETS.ATMOSPHEREDARK, DINGY, SLEEZY, ROUGH AN READY THE WAY GUYS LIKE IT.GIRLS DO YOU LIKE IT ROUGH AN READY DARK AN SLEEZY AGAINST THE WALL, THROUGH THE BARS OF THE CAGE, TIED TO THE CROSS, BENT OVER THE BENCH, ON YER HANDS AN KNEES ON A FUCK BOX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM … YOU DO …. GREAT SEE YOU ON SAT NITES … NOT FOR YOU NO PROBLEM ….. STEVE

You can’t fault Steve for his honesty. A couple who went to this club would know exactly what they were getting for their money. However, in our experience there are very few young female professionals who are attracted to this sort of environment, however keen on swinging they may be. Usually the warning signals are slightly more subtle. A less extreme example is the following from the web in 2000:

“Seedy Sids Swing Nites” are for couples, single men and women. Couples £30.00 and singles £50.00 this is to cover the free bar and the buffet. The evenings will be held in Preston in the northwest of England. There will be three fun rooms;
1) free for all anyone can go in, but no means no.
2) couples only.
3) the fetish room.
There will be selected places so that couples can stay overnight. The cost £15.00 for b&b or £10 for bed only. For people in the local area there is a pick up and drop of mini bus free of charge. The first time you come you will only be charged half price. Places must be booked so that your name can go on the list, the parties will be held every Saturday night. to book your places ring [deleted] and ask for seedy sid. Every Saturday

Again, in our experience very few sensual young women indeed are attracted to recreational sex because they want to get seedy. Why couldn’t he have called himself Sexy Sid, it alliterates just as well?
While it is vital to look at the context of how a party is promoted in order to manage your expectations, it is possible to be too sensitive. Many of them are advertised ungrammatically, with illustrations that only appeal to men, by people who are addicted to exclamation marks and think it’s witty to spell come CUM every single time. So when you read “Cummmmmmmmm to this month’s greatest party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and wince inwardly, don’t let it put you off. Other young couples are going through the same feelings, possibly the ones you are going to hit it off with at that event.

GET YOUR STORY STRAIGHT

Work out what you are going to say when people ask you what your names are, where you live, what you do, etc. You don’t have to give your real names, just don’t change from the name you have given the management. Nobody will expect you to give your surname (and don’t ask anyone else theirs – very bad etiquette). It’s probably simplest to stick to your real first names.

If people ask where you live and what you do, you should give an area or not a street and an occupation not a company e.g. “Camden Town” rather than “Delancy Street”; “surveyor” rather than “Jones & Co”.

IMPRESS TO UNDRESS

Swinger parties are not fetish parties. A few people may be wearing PVC or leather but the fantastic creations to be seen at S&M clubs or the Rubber Ball will be absent – swinging is about the real thing, action not display. Men will usually be smart casual, women in cocktail dresses or something slinky or sexy. Hot pants are OK but are usually taken to mean that it’s your period – which is definitely the only excuse for wearing trousers to a swinging party.

HAIR OR BARE?

It is now common for women to wax or laser their pubic hair.

When Fever started in the late 90’s it was only women in swinging relationships who did this. So much so that it was an international recognition symbol among swingers in the nudist spas that people used to meet before swinging clubs were so developed. The nudity, sex, group sex and female bisexuality in the playroom of a swingers’ party can be a bit of a culture shock for first-timers but at least it is expected. Female first-timers were sometimes taken aback by the almost-universal pubic depilation and felt they “didn’t fit in”, inhibiting their first swinging experience.

If you do not wax, and if you might feel self-conscious about being different, then it is an issue you need to consider with your partner beforehand. Depilating for the first time certainly heightens your anticipation and helps make the evening that little bit more special. It can even be a bonding experience if the male partner helps out. But it is not necessary unless it will settle an anxiety felt by the female in your relationship.

At its mildest the craze takes the form of trimming the bikini line by a wider margin than usual and/or cutting the hair short. Usually however the pubic hair is shaved off completely or a thin stripe or other interesting shape is left in front. Female swingers go to a great deal of effort to have their ‘look’ in tip-top condition before a party.

TAKING THE PLUNGE

It’s perfectly OK to have a bit of fun by yourselves in a playroom, you don’t have to join in with another couple or a group scene. Many couples take this approach at their first event. Just to be naked and making love alongside others doing the same is a fantastically liberating experience for the sexually self-confident.

On the other hand there are plenty of new couples who are only too keen to begin carvorting with new friends. This is particularly true of couples who have acquired some experience in their social lives or on holiday but have never been to a proper swinging event before. It is also true of lots of couples who come into swinging mainly to satisfy the female partner’s bisexuality, as the male partner obviously can’t fit the bill by himself!

BEYOND THE BEDROOM

Almost all swinging takes place without the knowledge of friends and family, so couples who try it and find it’s not for them have nothing ‘on their record’ with those who know them.

As swinging is not something you put under Other Interests on your CV, regular swingers acquire what amounts to a secret life – which is rather fun. It is quite common for couples even to use different names on the swinging scene. Sharing that exciting double life and keeping it from friends, parents or kids brings you closer together. It’s a bit like having an affair, except that you are both doing it together and no-one’s being betrayed or feeling guilty.

Swingers develop a new, large and entirely separate circle of friends; they disappear mysteriously together some nights and are vague about where and with whom they have gone; they have wonderful times to look forward to, apart from just the next holiday; and if they do let their closest male or female friends into the secret they become the object of fascination and envy.

But there’s more to swinging than the exhilaration of threesomes, foursomes and moresomes. More even than all the new friends from different backgrounds and parts of the country (or parts of the world). It brings a contentment and self-confidence that easily spills over into the other things that you do. The key to this new world is your relationship. In swinging above all else you are a team or you are nothing.